Retaking Our Pen: When Tough Feedback Hurts
I’ve been thinking about this one a lot, and this will likely be the subject of an upcoming How to Lead as a Woman Physician article! We’ve all been there. We’ve received feedback that stung, felt personal, and then struggled with strong emotions that stayed with us sometimes for a very long time. I absolutely have.
Why does negative feedback hurt so much?
I recently reread Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Grenny, Patterson et al. A classic and one of the best books out there on how to handle difficult conversations. This time, in the new 3rd edition that came out this year, the authors added a couple of new chapters. And I found Chapter 10: Retake Your Pen – How to be resilient when hearing tough feedback – to be one of the best.
What do we mean by “Retake Your Pen…”? Who is holding our pen – the power – to write your story and meaning? Are you holding your pen, or is someone else?
As human beings, we have two essential, fundamental needs: (1) to feel safe, and (2) to feel worthy. As young children, we need and look to the adults in our lives for safety and approval. As we become adults, we retain the same needs, but often don’t learn that we are inherently safe and worthy on our own. We don’t need someone else’s approval to be ok.
Negative feedback and criticism can feel so much more emotionally devastating to us as women. We are raised and socialized to be pleasers, to be “good girls,” to be nice to everyone, to get along with others, and for most of us to seek the approval of the adults in our lives. As we become adults, our good girl habits are so ingrained that they feel like who we are. We no longer can tell the difference.
Many of you know that reading Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead by Tara Mohr was what inspired me to become trained as a coach. Chapter 4: Unhooking from Praise and Criticism, speaks to our need as women for others’ approval with such clarity and honesty, and is one of my favorite chapters in the book.
I know I have and continue to struggle to not be hooked on either praise or criticism. I work hard to not give my pen – my inherent safety and worth -- away to someone other than me. In Playing Big, Chapter 4 continues to be the one I reread the most. As a first-generation daughter of Taiwanese immigrants, the need for others’ approval remains strong in me 40+ years later.
“Feedback doesn’t tell you about yourself. It tells you about the person giving the feedback.” – Tara Mohr
When we hold our pen – our safety and worth – in our own hands, and we don’t give it away to anyone else, we know this is true.
Who is holding your pen?
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