Keeping Ourselves Honest
I have been reflecting a lot about what it is that keeps us humble, and honest, in our work and our lives. Questions I often find myself asking myself are,
What keeps me honest in my work? What keeps me grounded?
What am I not admitting to myself, or am I pretending not to see?
This was week was such an important example, and experience, for me. I had one of the busiest, toughest, most exhausting weekends on service/on call as a peds heme/onc doc that I’ve had in several years. I got less than one hour of sleep two out of the three nights I was on call in a row, and slept maybe at most four consecutive hours on the third night.
I know you’ve had calls like this. It’s part of being a doctor today. Maybe you have calls and weekends like this all the time.
I was a complete mess. And completely dysfunctional. I probably shouldn’t have been driving a car, let alone ordering chemotherapy for patients, and yet this is what we do as doctors -- all the time. The experience reminded me acutely of how hard it is to be a doctor. Period. We do this all the time, we expect ourselves to do inhumane things that we would not wish upon our closest friends, and we just pick up and keep on going.
Each time I finish a stretch of call, I’m not only completely dysfunctional by the end, but I’m also irritable, cranky, short-tempered, in a complete haze, and have no compassion or energy for anyone. I noticed this past week that my sleep deprivation really triggered that sinking, yucky, major depression feeling I haven’t had in almost three years. Even though I tried everything I could to feel better inside – I took my SSRI meds as usual, I went for a run outside, I hugged my dogs, I tried to keep moving -- I still felt that sinking feeling that I still find it difficult to articulate and describe to others.
I hated it. At the same time, I am so grateful for this past week. It acutely reminded me of why I am so driven to do this work, and of why I am so driven to do anything I possibly can to make the practice of medicine better for all of us. Right here, right now. I know I’m not alone in how I felt after that call. And most of my friends and colleagues do twice as much call, or even more, than I do. I was acutely reminded of how much better I have it, and yet it still completely sucked.
The experience reminded me that continuing to care for patients and take call is essential to my ability to do all the other work I’m so passionate about – making our healthcare system better for all of us. If I don’t remember and personally experience the real pain points of practicing medicine today, I can’t do my job well in provider wellness locally and nationally. I am infinitely more effective when I can speak from the heart about what it’s like to be so sleep deprived, round on 20 plus sick patients each day, cycle into depressive symptoms, and still keep going.
Me taking calls like this, keeps me honest. And fires me up to make change more than ever.
What keeps you honest? What keeps you grounded in your life and career?
Based on your learning happening in this Journal / Blog Post Reflection & how it applies to your day-to-day, please capture your reflections here to unlock AMA PRA Category 1 CMEs:
